Finding Forever Read online

  Finding Forever

  By Linda Oaks

  Blue Tulip Publishing

  www.bluetulippublishing.com

  Smashwords Edition

  Copyright © 2015 LINDA OAKS

  This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and events are fictitious in every regard. Any similarities to actual events and persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental. Any trademarks, service marks, product names, or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. There is no implied endorsement if any of these terms are used. Except for review purposes, the reproduction of this book in whole or part, electronically or mechanically, constitutes a copyright violation.

  For Monica and those pesky earworms!

  This one’s for you, wildflower!

  FINDING FOREVER

  Copyright © 2015 LINDA OAKS

  ISBN: 978-1-942246-64-0

  Cover Art by Jena Brignola

  CHAPTER ONE

  I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD be me. I would be the first, but it never happened that way. Life rarely worked out as planned. All those so called plans that everyone seems to preach about have a way of going to shit pretty fast when you least expect it. Nothing is ever as you envision it. I’d always imagined myself walking down the aisle wearing my signature lipstick color Goddess Pink as I dreamily floated along in a confection of white lace wearing matching Louboutin’s on pink rose petals towards the man of my dreams.

  My best friends would be by my side decked to the nines in Goddess Pink. Yes, Brandon too… it’s my dream. A day filled with happiness. A day to celebrate and cherish, one that I would look back on years from now and smile, but that dream wasn’t for me. Instead, the one person I’d trusted more than I trusted myself had shattered my heart. He’d tossed me aside like yesterday’s trash and never looked back. The problem was, I looked back enough for the both of us.

  Instead of myself being the first one to walk down the aisle of matrimonial bliss… it was Addie. My best friend, whom I loved like a sister. Addie had been through so much shit, but, with Jake by her side, she had truly blossomed. She was no longer chasing after ghosts or drowning in a sea of guilt over events beyond her control. Jake had been her lifeline, and he just so happened to be my ex’s best friend. That was four years ago. When Addie had finally accepted Jake’s proposal, I’d been over the moon for them. Jake had staying power. They were it for one another, and the thought of Addie’s happiness always brought a smile to my lips. If anyone deserved it… she did.

  So I waited, still somewhat hopeful, even though I was secretly pinning away over my ex — the one man who had been my forever and wanted nothing more to do with me. Somehow I still found myself wishing that despite it all… my turn would be next. Like the perfect man was going to fall from the sky and profess his undying love for me, or that Devon would finally admit… he had made a mistake. He would come running back to me just like the guy in all those cheesy Hallmark movies. That would be my forever moment — the happily ever after to my own real life fairytale. What a crock of shit!

  After I realized Devon had moved on and there was no way in hell he was ever coming back, only then did I begin to date. Nothing serious, just passing my time. Then Dick the Prick came charging in on three hundred and forty-nine horses behind the wheel of a white Mercedes-Benz. A word of advice, never date a man named Dick. There’s a reason his momma gave him that name. Maybe she was psychic. I’d thought Dick was different, and dismissed all my petty insecurities and all of the reasons why I shouldn’t have a relationship with him. So what if his hands were softer than mine. I should have gone with my gut.

  Dick ended up being a frog instead of a prince. I had finally realized just what a complete and utter douche bag he was when we attended Brandon’s rehearsal dinner. After a five-course meal headlined by surf and turf, I’d caught him in the bathroom boinking Cal’s cousin from Colorado. Big fake breasts I couldn’t compete with even if I’d wanted to. Dick the Prick even had the gall to tell me he was sorry. Like him screwing some random stranger was an accident. I don’t think so. I may be a natural blonde, but I’m not stupid. And the saddest part of it all was the feeling of relief that had settled over me at the thought of us finally being over. I no longer had to pretend with him. He wasn’t it for me, and I knew it from the start. He had given me an easy way out, but to make matters worse, Devon had been there to witness my shame with those icy blue eyes of his that always saw everything. Everything I didn’t want him to see. Just the thought of him made my head hurt and my heart ache.

  Today should have been my big day. I was the one who was supposed to be already happily married, but here I stood at the front of the church, in a room crowded with hundreds of people, most of them strangers, wearing a big, fake ass smile plastered on my face. I glanced over at Addie. She was practically beaming. Even after four years, she was still glowing with newlywed bliss. I wanted to gag. It was downright sickening, but I loved her. So I tolerated it.

  I was pissed… pissed at myself and my pathetic situation. I loved Brandon dearly, but it wasn’t supposed to go down this way. It should have been my turn, not Brandon’s. I was a lousy friend for even having this thought, but I couldn’t help it. I was only human. Jealousy didn’t look good on me, but I was jealous as hell; pea green with envy, which just so happened to be the color of these ridiculous looking bridesmaid’s dresses that Addie and I both wore.

  Sometimes I hated Brandon. I’d argued with him and Cal about the color until I was Smurf blue in the face, trying my best to get them both to reconsider this disaster of an idea. They were making a mistake. No one looked good in pea green. Well except for maybe Addie, who didn’t realize how beautiful she truly was. She could probably wear a sack and still look hot.

  Goddess Pink would have been the ideal choice; the perfect color scheme for their big day, but Cal and Brandon had both shot me down, claiming that they didn’t want people to think RuPaul had been their wedding planner. I missed the days when Brandon used to let me boss him around. These days he was downright difficult.

  The taffeta was itchy. I’d probably have a rash by the time I managed to get out of this dress. Damn Brandon! And damn Cal for going along with Brandon! When the music cued, everyone in the church turned expectantly toward the entrance where Brandon and Cal would appear. An older woman with graying hair sat before the piano, which was positioned off to the side of the room. She began playing the intro of “Same Love” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. It was Brandon and Cal’s song.

  Shelley Winters, who we’d attended Crawley High with suddenly stood up from the second row, walked over to the piano, and picked up a microphone. When she opened her lips and added the vocals, at the break of the course, it was beautiful. Her raspy, throaty tenor had me picturing her singing in a cocktail lounge instead of at a wedding in a church. Who would have thought that shy, little Shelley was such the songbird? I guessed she had outgrown that shyness I recalled from high school.

  Times had changed, and look at her now in her siren red dress with a baby bump. Her brown hair was stylishly cut into a pageboy style, falling just shy of her chin. She was gorgeous. No longer the wallflower I remembered. Life, it seemed, had been good to Shelley. I guessed that finding the perfect soul mate was the magic cure for whatever ails you. Yeah right, I huffed, catching Addie’s eye. She stared at me curiously. I hoped no one else had heard me huffing and puffing.

  In a matter of seconds, Cal and Devon would make their appearance and walk down the aisle together to pledge their eternal love for one another. They both had wanted a traditional ceremony despite the prejudice of others, and what Brandon wanted, Cal made sure that he got. It had taken a while to find a chu
rch and a pastor who was willing to perform the ceremony, but somehow, Cal had finally made it happen. It was only a little disappointing that they had to get married in Hurley instead of Crawley, where they had hoped. The only thing that mattered was that it was finally happening. Cal was good for Brandon, and I loved him like a brother for taking such good care of my friend and for treasuring his heart.

  I shifted anxiously and wished we could just get this show on the road. I tried to avoid looking to my left even though I sensed him watching me. Devon was here today. He was sitting in the third row back, and when I saw him, I thought I’d pass out. If that man was within a thirty-mile radius, I could feel him to the depths of my soul. I must have some sort of wacked out GPS internally devised just to detect him. My heart was still connected to his even though he had severed those ties years ago thanks to the woman now sitting by his side… Blair Simms. Of course he had his bitch with him, today of all days. I didn’t want to think about her or even look at him. It hurt too much. I didn’t want to be reminded of what I’d lost.

  When Addie and Jake had tied the knot, I thought I would literally die. Not because they were getting married, but because he had been Jake’s best man. Of course, I was Addie’s maid of honor. How I survived the ordeal, I will never know. We had little or no contact except for at the church. If I’d caught myself alone with him, I tried to get away as quickly possible if the situation allowed. When I hadn’t been that lucky, Devon had treated me as if I were an acquaintance, making pointless pleasantries and all of the other bullshit that meant absolutely nothing. It wasn’t as if I’d lain beneath him or ran my tongue over almost every square inch of his body. It was awkward. The torture of having him near and knowing he would probably rather be smothered in fire ants than have to spend time with me — it hurt. Somehow though, I’d survived the ordeal intact, well, at least physically. Emotionally, that was another story. I’d do anything for Addie even if it broke my heart just a tiny little bit more. Once a heart was broken, I didn’t think it was humanly possible for it to crack anymore. I’d been wrong. Those broken pieces can shatter into shards, embedding themselves into the essence of your soul as a permanent reminder of what you’d lost.

  I still remembered the day four years ago just after I had left for college as if it were only yesterday. It’s funny how one moment in time can be the catalyst to alter your whole universe. It had been an ordinary day like any other. I hadn’t heard from Devon so I’d tried to call him only to have the call go directly to voicemail. When he didn’t call me back or respond to any of my text, I’d started to freak. This never happened. Sure, things were different after I’d left for college and Devon had ended up staying behind in Crawley, but we’d always answered each other’s calls. We had vowed not to let the distance come between us and spent as much time together as we could. I saw him on school holidays and the rare weekend when I didn’t have to study. After numerous tries, I’d resorted to contacting his uncle, but never received a reply there either. So in desperation, I’d finally called my mom who had informed me that Devon had been involved in an accident. Jake and Addie had been away on their honeymoon, and weren’t due back until that Friday. I didn’t want to call and upset them while they were too far away to do anything but worry. Cal and Brandon had been in Colorado visiting Cal’s family.

  Devon had borrowed his uncle’s motorcycle and had been on his way to the garage when someone hit him. I’d never been so scared in all of my life at the possibility of losing him forever. The thought had made me sick. The accident occurred on a Tuesday, and it had been late that Wednesday night before I’d finally found out. Since I didn’t get paid from the work-study program until Friday, and all of my financial aid had already been applied to tuition and board, I had no money. Well, not enough to fly home or to even take the bus.

  Once again my Escort had been in the shop for repairs, and it would be the middle of next week before the mechanic finally finished with it. I’d thought I’d go crazy not being able to get to Devon. I’d begged my mom, but she didn’t have the money either. At least not until the end of the week when she got paid from her job cleaning office buildings in town. So, I’d done the only thing that I could do and kept calling the hospital for the little information they would give me each day. I’d never been so miserable in all of my life. Friday couldn’t come quickly enough.

  I wanted to be with Devon. For the next two days I didn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was like a zombie, and all I could focus on was getting to him. My mom had promised to stop in at the hospital. She had been given strict instructions to tell Devon I loved him and that I would be there as soon as possible. She would explain even though she had mixed feelings about Devon; she understood I loved him with all of my heart. He was it for me. He always had been and always would be.

  Before I could stop myself, our eyes met over the heads of the others sitting in the church. I allowed myself to selfishly have a moment where I pretended I was still his. His gaze never wavered as it held mine, and I thought back to the scene that had awaited me upon my arrival at the hospital. It had been late Saturday night when I’d finally made it there; four days after the accident and exhausted from having to ride the bus. Since my mom had to work, I’d caught a cab with the last twenty bucks in my pocket. She’d called and informed me that Devon wasn’t critical. That bit of news had eased some of my worry, but I was still anxious to see for myself.

  Devon had been waiting for me, but when I arrived it wasn’t the welcoming that I’d expected. Instead of rushing into the room, his Uncle Clyde had stopped me and coldly informed me that Devon didn’t want to see me. When I had asked why, he’d refused to answer and had walked away without saying a word, but I didn’t let that stop me. His uncle could go eff himself; he never liked me anyway. There was no way in Hell I was leaving until I saw him.

  So instead, I’d holed up in the waiting area, which had luckily given me a partial view of the door to Devon’s room. After hours of sitting on a crappy hard chair and nodding off to sleep numerous times, his uncle had finally left and then I’d snuck over to his door and let myself in.

  Devon was asleep, but he wasn’t alone. On the other side of the bed a woman with dark hair and blue eyes had sat staring back at me. She was gorgeous. When I asked her name and how she knew Devon so well, she replied her name was Blair Simms and, with a catty smile, she’d added they were really close friends. I remembered when I told her who I was she’d laughed in my face, telling me that Devon didn’t have a girlfriend, and he didn’t want to see me. I’d been completely and utterly confused, but even then… I didn’t leave.

  The sight of Devon lying in that bed had made me weak in the knees. It was as if there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room, and I had to touch him before I could breathe. I’d walked over to his bed — ignoring the woman — bent down, and kissed his cheek. He’d needed a shave. My hand had sought his, and I’d been careful not to disrupt the IV or the cast on his arm. His beautiful tattoos had been covered in white plaster up past his elbow. It was surreal. His hips and both of his legs had been in similar casts and elevated from some sort of suspension device that appeared to be mounted from the ceiling.

  There had been a gash on his cheekbone. It had been stitched and covered with a white butterfly bandage that stood out ghastly against his tanned skin. The left side of his face scrapped raw. It had already started to scab, but had looked angry, especially underneath the horrific shade of blue that had already been residing there.

  I’d started to cry, feeling helpless because my Devon, who had always seemed so unbreakable, was broken. I had been grateful that he was still alive no matter what condition he was in. We would get through this together. I loved him, and would stand by his side no matter what. He was it for me. At the brush of my lips, his eyes opened hesitantly. He’d recognized me immediately. I’d seen it there in his icy blue gaze, but, instead of smiling as I’d expected, his beautiful lips had curved downward into a frown. He’d quickly
glanced away, acting as if the sight of me sickened him. As long as I lived, I would never forget the words he said to me. “I don’t want you here, Kara. You’ve wasted your time. I don’t want you anymore. We’re over. You need to leave, now!”

  I’d started to protest when the bitch beside his bed had hit the call light, and the nurse had promptly answered. “Yes, we need security in room 305.” I had heard her snidely reply.

  “Devon, don’t do this!” I’d begged when the security guard had walked into the room and intended to escort me out. It was one of those moments that stood out in my mind among all of the other memories I had of him. When he’d done nothing to stop the security guard, I knew then that we were over, but I still didn’t understand why. It remains a mystery. And it still tortures my soul to this day that there had been no closure between us.

  Fingers brushed the back of my arm, and I turned as a tear slipped unnoticed down my cheek. “Are you okay?” Addie asked, and I forced myself to brightly smile and nod my head in reply to her question.

  “Brandon and Cal look so handsome in their tuxes.” I whispered, hoping that Addie would buy my words, believing I was just emotional over the wedding and not something else. I was pretty good at faking it. I’d missed my calling; I should have been an actress.

  Cal and Brandon were standing in front of the pulpit when the pastor began the ceremony. With his kind face and graying hair, he reminded me of Mr. Cunningham from Happy Days. The church had been decorated in white tulle and silk. Flowers were everywhere; the arrangements of calla lilies had been strategically placed around the room for the most dramatic effect. It was elegant.

  Brandon glanced over at Addie and me. He wore the biggest grin I’d ever seen. I wiped the wetness from my cheeks and tried to smile back at him. This was his and Cal’s big day, and he didn’t need me acting like the proverbial wet blanket to dampen their happiness. I listened as the pastor droned on and on. Then Cal began reciting his vows. Finally!